The Deadskin

OBITUARY: Washington Redskins 1932—2013

The Washington Redskins—a National Football League franchise known for its rabid fanbase, rancorous owner, and racist moniker—died today. The team was 81.

Long derided for the name Redskins, perceived as a racial slur, the team endured unrelenting criticism in recent years from Native Americans, sports journalists and the public at large.

Team owner Daniel Snyder infamously said this spring that “we will NEVER change the name. You can use all caps.” However, following a meeting held Wednesday between Snyder, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and Oneida Nation representative Ray Halbritter, the Native American tribe called for sanctions against the team for the continued use of the name.

Halbritter cited NFL bylaws that authorize Goodell to take action “against any owner who is ‘guilty of conduct detrimental to the welfare of the League or professional football.’” He also noted that Goodell has enforced that rule for situations “far less egregious than the use of a racial epithet as a team’s name.”

Upon hearing that Goodell was taking Halbritter’s request under advisement, Snyder said, “Wait. They’re gonna takemoney from me? Fuck it. They can have the name. Kill it; kill it dead.”

The Redskins are survived by their players, coaching staff, three Super Bowl championships, and die-hard fans.

This was the lovely letter written by my wife, to explain my lackluster Halloween costume to the office.

Halloween Costumes by Kelley

Don’t thank me, thank my sleep deprived wife.

Wear a Usain Bolt jersy and hand out mean spirited ‘things’.

- The Fast & Furious

 

Dress up like a candy cane, and wear a Tea Party for America shirt.

- Citizen Kane

 

Wear a sombrero and bells on your wrist.

- Taco Bell

 

Dress up like a star with boxing gloves on.

- Star Struck

 

Wear a completely fleece outfit, with NSA insignia.

- Security Blanket

 

Wear a series of Tide boxes, either as clothing or just get in a box. Then greet everyone.

- ‘Hi’ Tide

 

Wrap yourself in an Afgan blanket with a name tag that reads “Stan”.

- Afganistan

Galactica’s Influence

I caved almost a month ago to all the nerdery surrounding me. My wife and I have been watching Battlestar Galactica. We’re on the 2nd season now. I’ve tried reminding myself this show is almost 10 years old, and really just a remake of another show which is now 30 years old. Alas I’m still annoyed by the bat shit scientist and all the fucking fraks. Though many of my uber geek friends might be pleased at an interaction I overheard this morning getting ready for work.

Mom

Ok, so there’s gonna be first time listening and inside voices at daddy’s work right?

Kids

Yes, ma’am.

Mom

So say we all?

Kids

We all.

The end.

Cursive O

My 5 year old daughter asked if she would learn cursive in Kindergarten. Her older brother assured her, she would be too young but there are some letters she could learn now.

AJ

Some letters like the “o” are very easy. It’s just an “o” with a little hair on the top.

Mia

Yeah, it’s like a”Q” doing a headstand.

 

I want to move to California

My wife just returned from a 3 day business trip to California. Not sure where my daughter even got the idea or heard about the news, but this is the brief conversation they had after my wife’s return.

Daughter

Mom, I want to move to California.

Mom

Oh, because mommy was just there?

Daughter

No, because in California girls can marry girls.

Mom

Oh do you think that you might want to marry a girl when you grow up?

Daughter

I don’t know. I just want to be able to pick.

Mom

Well that’s good.  In Maryland actually you can marry a boy or a girl.

Daughter

Oh. Ok then.

Draped In Egyptian Cotton

One who wears their deepest and darkest desires on their sleeves, wears the most comfortable of shirts.